Crazy Teacher

So, I am a middle school teacher, and a math teacher at that!  For as long as I can remember, I have loved math.  It makes me happy that I can find the solution to a problem using logic.  Besides loving math, I genuinely love being a teacher.  I can truthfully say that I love each of my 110 students and look forward to seeing them each day.  It fills my heart with joy to get that "light bulb" moment when a kid finally gets it.

Like I said, I love teaching, that is when I can actually teach.  There are days that I feel nothing but a babysitter "Sit down, Johnny",  "Johnny leave Sally alone", "Johnny that is not appropriate" blah blah blah.  The students are taking a test tomorrow using proportions to find percents, scale factor, similar figures, and indirect measurement.  We spent today trying to review for the test.  When I say trying, I mean I was trying to teach and they were trying me.  While I fully realize that they are "just sixth graders" and "only kids", but these kids have been in school for 7-8 years - which means that they have spent over 1,200 days in school (what can I say?  I love stats - I am a math teacher! lol).  These kids know how to behave but simply just don't care to.

This apathy, this lack of caring if they learn and frankly refusing to learn is disheartening and extremely frustrating to me.  I had managed to keep a tight reign on my frustration, but by seventh period I was tired of being talked over, disrespected and ignored, so I cried.  Seriously, I was so frustrated that I couldn't control myself and just started to cry.  I.WAS.DONE.  I felt so foolish, but when I am frustrated I cry.  Immediately the room grew quiet.  I softly explained that I was so frustrated that I couldn't teach them.  I must have talked to them for five minutes, explaining why I was so frustrated.  I talked about how I love teaching, but they aren't allowing me to teach.  I talked about how they are choosing to squander their education and basically waste their sixth grade year without learning anything.

Do I think they understand how it disheartens me to see them waste their education?  I don't know if my short soapbox session has any long term affect on them, but I did see the short term effect.  For the thirty minutes we had left, they listened.  It was bliss!  The students really listened.  One girl said "Oh, I get it now!"  She was truly excited and it warmed my heart.  I smiled at her and said "See, when you listen it is so much easier.  It is like magic!"

At the end of the period I did apologize to the students for crying, I still felt (and feel) silly for crying.  Most of the students then said they should be apologizing to me for what they had been doing.  Will this change their behavior?  I don't know.  They only thing I know for sure now is that they see I am human and there are consequences for their actions.  Even if those consequences happen to someone else. 

Sadness

Please forgive me for this post.  Right now I am not feeling very positive or happy.  So, if you want to move on and not read my self-indulgence, I wouldn't hold it against you.  :)


Well, it just hit me.  I am no longer a teacher.  At this point in the summer I would be knee deep in planning and getting ready for the next school year.  I would have all my teacher guides, my standards, worksheets, projects, posters spread around the living room, trying to make my curriculum.


At this point, I have nothing to plan, nothing to get ready for.  All of my teacher friends are busy planning their curriculum and lesson plans, and I sit here looking for a job and playing on Facebook.


I suppose right now I am just feeling really sorry for myself.  I would think it is understandable to wallow in some self-indulgent pity for a little while, but I hate it.

I am missing my old school.  I grew quite attached to those teachers.  I feel like I left part of my family there.  We have been through so much together and I will most likely never see most of them again.  Of course we all promise to get together for lunch, or catch up over shopping.  Those plans never really seem to pan out, slowly we just go our separate ways.


When it comes down to it, I think I am just really sad about not knowing what my future holds for me.  I want to be a teacher.  I just hope someone allows me the chance to be one again...

On the Hunt

Well, as I said in my first post, I was non-renewed this year (just like thousands of other teachers).  About two weeks ago, I noticed that my former employer had openings for teachers for next year.  To say the least, I was upset.  I felt a little betrayed.  It just gets to me that I have put all of my effort in for the past three years, done everything they asked me to (got more certification, attended any training they wanted) and I was still let go.  Anyway, I applied to all three positions that I am certified for and I actually have an interview this coming Friday.


To get ready, I have been shopping looking for a outfit that will make me look less like a whale than I am.  I am serious, I am not one of those people that says they need to lose weight and you look at them and think they would disappear if they turned sideways.  No, I am a size 30.  Yep, I said it, it is out there in the world and there is no going back.  I am FAT.  But, I have been fat my whole life, so I am used to it.

Besides the interview, I have applied to over 20 openings.  I have yet to get a response from any.  Even if they don't want me, it would still be nice to just hear something like "Due to a lot of applicants....blah blah blah".  But I don't even get that.

Don't worry, this blog isn't going to be all about getting a job.  I won't subject you to that!